Its hard, the hardest thing I ever had to learn is to slow down, and not do everything. I fight this to this day. I hate feeling left out, having to choose to stay home, or to not get things done that I want to.
This is a little blip from my favourite explination of any chronic illness or pain 'The Spoon Theory' ...Also, totally how I am feeling at the moment. My friends are all out hanging out together and I am at home...in my Pj's. Trying to choke down one glass of wine to 'çelebrate', while making sure its not enough to mess with my painkillers. *Sigh* Don't get me wrong, I had a wonderful time with my boyfriend, we had some Chinese food, watched movies, but I'm sick as a dog and definitely feeling left out. Left out and run down. Its not easy being in constant pain...but throw in a cold with the aches and its enough to drive a person mad. I have been crying a ton today...Honestly, while everyone wants to be thinner, or quit smoking, or live better...I just want to live a normal healthy life again. It depresses me because for most people, the resolution is about something that they have control over...Mine however, I am slowly learning that I have zero control over. My attitude wasn't always this way you know. When I first had my accident I was determined to work my ass off and get myself back to a normal healthy 20 year old girl. In two years, I have realized that no matter how hard I work, how many treatments I try, how many doctors I see, it will never matter as much as I want it to.
I've been feeling that way quite a bit lately, but I know this routine well. I'll get over it eventually. Though it has gotten worse since I got my cane and there's been talk of getting a handicapped ticket for the car...When I told my mom about that she almost cried. Told me it felt too 'permanent'...Tell me about it!
Anyways, I know this is depressing. But I have good days and bad ones. And just because it's 'New years eve'does not make it some magical fucking day that is going to fix everything overnight.
Later.
Have a safe and happy New Year
xoxox
