Okay, so its been a LONG time since I updated you guys. Things are just bad. I haven't wanted to do anything or talk to anyone much. I've got some things going on right now that totally suck. Which is stressful, which makes my pain worse...Its a viscous cycle.

Okay, so first off. I went to physio yesterday. I will start this by saying, I ALWAYS see the same physio therapist. I LOVE him. I've been seeing him for over a year. So, needless to say, its easy, he knows all about me and my issues. He wasn't in the other day and I needed in. I've started to do a bunch of strengthening exercises for my leg and my core and whatnot. Okay, so we've talked and gotten them all to my 'level', so that it doesn't kill me and just make things worse, but I'm still getting a good workout. ANYWAYS, so I see this other lady. And she is a nice lady, I saw her a bit at the beginning of my treatment, but I just don't think she's the right fit for me. So I worked out with her and she pushed me SO hard and gave me SUCH shit about not doing enough and not doing them 'all the way' ...So today, I am in SO MUCH PAIN. I can't walk up or down my stairs. Which I have had to do, I had two doctors appointments today...I'll tell you about them.

My first doctors appointment this morning pretty much sucked. I love where I am, and the doctors they have there. However, this particular morning I was tired, in pain, and antsy. And I ended up waiting like a half hour. Which I hate. I have been to well over 25 doctors in the course of my treatment and not ONE of them is ever on time. Which is fine if you get sick once in a while and only have to see them once every few months. But I see doctors, and physio therapists and all kinds of people on a daily basis. And when you are in pain like I am and sitting and standing and walking hurts, it SUCKS to have to wait that long. SO! Dr. V comes in and looks at my cane (I've had it for almost 3 months, and last time I saw him I didn't have it, I left it in the car and the time before that I didn't have it at all) and says 'What the hell is this?!' so I tell him about it, how my legs been getting worse and worse, walking is getting harder and the injections are not working. We talk a bit. He pokes around, finds a place that makes me close to tears when he touches it on my back. He shows me a poster. Tells me that he thinks that's the problem, we are going to try ANOTHER injection. (I've already had three)He says they do two needles in two spots. He is worried because I have already had three injections that I didn't respond to. He tells me that he's sorry but if this doesn't work he has NO idea what is wrong with me. He's going to order an MRI of my back. I tear up a bit. Try not to cry. But at this point, I just don't know what to do. I'm thinking I will be stuck with this stupid cane forever. He tells me; 'You are either going to come back in here from this shot and hit me with your cane and tell me its not working, or you will walk in and say 'look no cane!'' Well, I guess 50/50 is alright. He tells me that because I don't have a drug plan and cannot work so I can't afford the $100.00 medication that they want me to have that I need to be taking at the very MINIMUM 800mg of Advil a day on TOP of my codeine. Which I take 3-4 times a day. So the minimum amount of pills I will be taking a day is 12. I've pretty much accepted that I am going to die of liver failure at a young age :) I leave there and come home exhausted. I sleep through my next doctors appointment...(Shit. That reminds me, I should probably call them) I feel terrible but they are VERY nice there. Very understanding and helpful. So I will have to re-book. Then, I am treating at the CPC and its SO far and hard to get to and such a long walk and they want me to go to a 'goals' group where I go and share with a group of strangers my hopes and dreams and what I want to get out of treating there. Awesome. Also, when I went to the lectures and my orientation there I am ALWAYS the youngest person there. Apparently people under the age of 75 do not have chronic pain. It makes me feel like shit. You know what else makes me feel like shit. That lately people seem to feel the need to inform me that 'Its not fair that I'm so young and in so much pain' ....REALLY?! Thanks. I don't know why that makes me so mad...Probably because its been almost three years since my accident and I am getting SICK of people pointing out the obvious.

I don't really know where my head is at right now...I just keep thinking that I can't believe it's been almost THREE years since all of this...In May, three years of my life...Almost three years since I've ran anywhere, since I've played a sport, since I've worked, since I've been...myself...Okay, that's a lie..I know where my head is at...It's in a bad place...A bad, bad place...I'm trying very hard not to let it drag me down and be thankful for what I have and all that. Its just...Hard..