Just A Little Understanding

Went to the mall with my dad tonight. Pain was so bad I had to go wait in the car. Damn leg. When I first started taking my pain killers, I was doing so every four hours, and that was sufficient...Now they barely last me two hours...Though I am still taking them properly every four hours it's incredibly hard. Not only am I on pain killers but I'm using my cane and taking celebrex (an anti inflammatory) twice a day. Ugh. B-A-D day. I just want to sleep...God damn pain.

My house is a mess and I have a bunch of things that I WANTED to get accomplished today...Not going to happen...Not a surprise...But it's still very upsetting to get up every day with a bunch of things planned to do, and to barely be able to finish one thing on your 'To Do' list..One of the hardest things that I have had to deal with since my accident is 'Pacing'...Exactly what it sounds like...I am still trying to learn how to take things slow. I| am not patient, so when I want to do something, I want to do it NOW. That's not so easy when even just getting out of bed is difficult.

Also, I am seriously irritated with people right now. (I know, I'm sort of all over the place, but like I said, I'm on pain killers. And I'm sort of just venting right now.) I have honestly had enough of people. I don't want to do anything, or leave my house. Currently in my life I have two people that I can completely and totally count on (Not including my momma) And I love them to death..But...as far as everyone else goes...I just really don't know anymore...I'm especially irritated at one specific person. I don't want to get into it...But it's just like people totally blow off what you're feeling and going through and resort straight to anger. I am going to show you a little blurp that I wrote in regards to how I feel about that. It's called;

Just A Little Understanding

I’m sorry for when I yell at you for what you see as ‘no reason’.

I’m sorry that sometimes I can’t do fun things with you.

I’m sorry that sometimes I break down and cry in inappropriate places.

I’m sorry that I don’t always make it to school.

I’m sorry that I don’t always make it to work.

I’m sorry that sometimes I appear weak.

I’m sorry that sometimes I don’t want you to touch me.

I’m sorry that sometimes I seem ‘negative’.

I’m sorry that sometimes the stupidest thing in the world can make me yell or cry.

I’m sorry that sometimes I don’t want to talk about what’s wrong.

I’m sorry if I repeat myself over and over again.

I’m sorry if I complain too much.

I’m sorry that sometimes I just can’t justify why I am mad or sad.

I’m sorry if I have missed a birthday, a Christmas or any other holiday that is important to you.

I’m sorry that sometimes you have to stay with me in the emergency room for hours on end.

I’m sorry that you have to take care of me after surgery.

I’m sorry for the times I miss important events because I have a doctor’s appointment or physio.

I’m sorry for the times that I miss important events because I am in too much pain to leave my bed.

I’m sorry for the times that I miss important events because I am in the hospital.

I’m sorry that I’m not as healthy as a 20 year old girl should be.

I’m sorry that I frustrate my doctors because they can’t help me.

I’m sorry that sometimes my medication is expensive.

I’m sorry that I got stuck with this pain.

I’m sorry that I look healthy.

I’m sorry that my pain is not visible to you.

I'm sorry I can't always be there when you need me.

I'm sorry that you will never understand.
I'm sorry that I have Chronic pain.



Think it’s stupid that I am apologizing for all these things? Apologizing for things that I have absolutely no control over? Yeah. I do too. Wouldn't you want compassion if you were dealing with things like this? Well, that’s all I want. That’s all I’ve ever wanted. So next time you get upset with me, because you think I’m a terrible friend, ‘cause I missed your birthday, or you think that I have no ambition, because I don’t have a job, or think that I’m lazy, because sometimes I sleep until noon, think about what you’ve just read.