Fuck sake...

Christ. I know it's been a long time since I've been on here, but I've got nowhere else to go. I've got. NO one who understands what I'm dealing with. My friends have all bailed on me. Which I've been bummed about for a little while now, this is obviously not getting me anywhere. But I do miss them. Ah well. Once you've lived with chronic pain you learn to accept that people who have never lived with it can never accept you. They don't want to deal with someone who is depressed all the time. Especially at the age of 21. Everyone expects that you can go out and do all sorts of things with them, and truth be told you would probably take a human life if it meant that you could again. They choose to ignore you because if you DO manage to get out and do anything with them you try. Not to complain but you can't help it, for fuck sake it HURTS. You have to stop and sit down, or walk in a place like a movie theater and that seems weird.

It is truly heartbreaking that these people who are supposed to care about you can just forget about you.

Anyways... That's all for now I guess...I'm in too much pain to concentrate and my post probably doesn't even make much sense... It's almost 3am and all I want to do is head to the ER because the pain is so bad and all my pain killers have done nothing... Ugh.

I'm going crazy. I have too much going on right now..I literally feel like I'm going insane. I am having a hard time, an EXTREMELY hard time coping. I am having thoughts that legitimately frighten me. I am turning cold on the inside. I don't want to be an empty shell, but I fear that's what I'm becoming. My insides feel...funny...I don't even know how to explain it. They feel weak...And angry. I am feeling like the entire world is on my shoulders and I can't hold it up alone anymore. No one is getting what I'm dealing with. I'm sick of people thinking I'm an addict, or that I'm over exaggerating my pain...I'm extremely frustrated and lonely. I feel sick to my stomach, and I hate my life right now. I'm waiting on my neuro surgeon appointment and I am TERRIFIED for this surgery. No one gets that. Everyone keeps telling me to stay positive and that it will improve my life. What they don't understand is that I just can't take anymore disappointments right now. I literally can't. It WILL kill me. I had my nerve root block, and it worked so well. For a few weeks. Then my pain came back. And I cannot even explain what sort of a feeling that is. Its one that I've never experienced before...There is no word for it. But I cried for 2 weeks because I had gone from VERY minimal pain and not having to use my cane anymore to it all come flooding back and me having to hide in my basement and cry all day again. My life is starting to feel incredibly pointless. I feel as though I am wasting resources and air...I don't DO anything. Can't work, or attend school. Can't go out, can barely walk, can't live unless I take my huge cocktail of pills everywhere with me. I'm in a very dark place right now and I'm stuck. I don't know how to get out of it. I don't know how and I feel like no one can help me. I am so embarrassed that I'm feeling this way that i don't want to tell my doctors. I don't want to end up in some insane asylum because I'm depressed. I would have NEVER even thought of ending my life before, but now...I just don't know. I don't want them sending me to a psych ward because I am depressed that I'm in PAIN. If you get rid of the pain, then I will feel better. I KNOW I will. I just am thinking that there is no way to get rid of the pain. Its been three years and I'm feeling let down in every way.

This is insanity.

Okay. So I was just looking up the side effects of a drug I'm starting (SIDE EFFECTS: The most common side effects of pregabalin are dizziness, drowsiness, dry mouth, edema (accumulation of fluid), blurred vision, weight gain, and difficulty concentrating. Other side effects include reduced blood platelet counts, and increased blood creatinine kinase levels. Increased creatinine kinase can be a sign of muscle injury, and in clinical trials three patients experienced rhabdomyolysis (severe muscle injury). Therefore, patients should report unexplained muscle pain, tenderness or weakness to their doctors, especially if associated with fever and malaise (reduced well-being). Pregabalin has rarely been associated with angioedema (swelling of the face, tongue, lips, and gums, throat and larynx).

Antiepileptic medications have been associated with increased risk of suicidal thinking and behavior. Anyone considering the use of antiepileptic drugs must balance this risk of suicide with the clinical need. Patients who are started on therapy should be closely observed for clinical worsening, suicidal thoughts, or unusual changes in behavior.)


And what stuck out to me was this;


"Anyone considering the use of antiepileptic drugs must balance this risk of suicide with the clinical need."


Are you SERIOUSLY trying to tell me, that even though I am in pain and need this medication to feel BETTER that I have to BALANCE the risk of SUICIDE with my 'clinical need' ...I am SO angry right now it is not even funny. Why yes, this is what my life has turned into...A debate between killing myself and being in less pain. I am currently laughing right now because it is all I can do...This is the most ridiculous thing I have ever read. I don't even know what else to say...This is insanity. If this is goint to be my choices for the rest of my life, you know, weighing my options od killing myself and less pain, I might aswell just off myself now..(Don't panic. I'm not serious. Just trying to prove a point) Anyways, that's all I can say right now...I just needed to vent about that...

Quick update.

This is going to be short and sweet on account of sitting hurts..A lot. Lately. I had my MRI, I have a herniated disc in my low back that is causing all my pain. I am going to need back surgery but I think it's going to take a while. So in the mean time they are sending me for what is called a 'Medial branch block' ...Here is the jist of it.

Medial Branch Nerve Block Procedure

As with many spinal injections, medial branch blocking procedures are best performed under fluoroscopy (live x-ray) for guidance in properly targeting and placing the needle (and for avoiding nerve injury or other injury).

On the day of the injection, patients are advised to avoid driving and doing any strenuous activities, and to get plenty of rest the night before.

The injection procedure includes the following steps:
•An IV line will be started so that adequate relaxation medicine can be given, as needed.
•The patient lies on an x-ray table, and the skin over the area to be tested is well cleansed.
•The physician treats a small area of skin with a numbing medicine (anesthetic), which may sting for a few seconds.
•The physician uses x-ray guidance (fluoroscopy) to direct a very small needle over the medial branch nerves.
•Several drops of contrast dye are then injected to confirm that the medicine only goes over these medial branch nerves.
•Following this confirmation, a small mixture of numbing medicine (anesthetic) will then be slowly injected onto each targeted nerve.

The injection itself only takes a few minutes, but the entire procedure usually takes between fifteen and thirty minutes.


Medial Branch Block Video

After the procedure, the patient typically remains resting on the table for twenty to thirty minutes, and then is asked to move the affected area to try to provoke the usual pain. Patients may or may not obtain pain relief in the first few hours after the injection, depending upon whether or not the medial branch nerves that were injected are carrying pain signals from the spinal joints to the brain. On occasion, patients may feel numb or have a slightly weak or odd feeling in their neck or back for a few hours after the injection.

The patient will discuss with the doctor any immediate pain relief. Ideally, patients will also record the levels of pain relief during the next week in a pain diary. A pain diary is helpful to clearly inform the treating physician of the injection results and in planning future tests and/or treatment, as needed.

All in all, not excited.

What's New.

Alright, so I guess those of you that follow (if there are any of you!) are probably wondering what's going on. So, I've been mostly on pain medications. I was on oxycontin and valium. Those didn't work because they made me so tired. I just slept all day and night. Now, I'm on something called 'Riliva' (pain killer) and Lyrica, (anti-seizure medication to help with nerve pain). They have sort of been helping I guess. I need to try and get in to see my doctor tomorrow because I only take the pain killer once a day and it's not really working. Honestly, I just want my fucking MRI now. It's been almost a month. Apparently I am on an 'urgent' list for one. I think that's bullshit. I can't carry my freaking puppy outside!

Here are my main issues;

- Can't walk
- Can't sit
- Can't stand
- Can't clean my house
- Can't cook
- Can't use the bathroom. (Well, I can. It just takes 45 seconds at least from the time I sit down. Which isn't normal when you feel like you have to go so much you're going to explode.) You see, apparently, I'm having a hard time urinating...But not hard ENOUGH that they will take me into emerg. Awesome.
- Can't walk/play with my puppy
- ...Well, let's just go ahead and say that getting out of bed is even difficult.

I don't know how much longer I can put up with this crap. I wonder what happens when a doctor gets really sick? Do you think that they have to wait months for an MRI? No. I highly doubt that they do. I was talking with a girl I knew, she had to wait seven MONTHS for her MRI. Granted, she was not on an urgent list, but STILL. That is ridiculous. You see, in Canada, its free healthcare. Yaaaay!!! Right? Wrong. Of course it is great. BUT what it means, is that if you're sitting in the hospital and some crackhead bum comes in who walked in front of a vehicle while stoned out of his tree, HE gets treated first. Well that's great. And that is how it works. I remember one time, sitting in the hospital, feeling like my ovaries were going to explode. Literally pop. Then this crazy girl walks in, fighting with a guy who I can only assume is her boyfriend. He tells her he's leaving, blah, blah, blah, unless she gets help. All this crap. So she walks up to the triage desk and goes... 'I've been having feelings.' ...REALLY?! I have 'feelings' 100% of the time, as I'm sure the entire WORLD (not including sociopaths) do. Could you be a LITTLE more specific (which I am sure is what the nurse said) because she replied with 'Well, I'm feeling sad' ...Oh GOD. Go home, take some advil, down a container of ice cream, watch a sad movie and have a good cry. Your period will end in a week or so.

Okay, I totally got off topic and had a rant there. Anyways, I am sweating profusely (side effect) feel so nauseous and like throwing up (side effect) and I am tired as hell (side effect) ...Well then. I'm going to go lay down I think.

Hospitalization, trouble walking, eating, sleeping...etc.

I'm having sort of the darkest week of my life here. Since Friday night I have been having some of the most incredibly awful pain I've ever had. I can't walk, I can't sit, I'm having a difficult time going to the bathroom, all in all, I can barely function at the moment. I'm having a hard time doing anything on my own and am having to have someone with me constantly...Which is not always working.

Its been hard. I'm feeling incredibly lonely and sad, I'm angry and frustrated...I feel trapped. And I don't know what to do. I went to the hospital on Monday afternoon. I was there for around five hours. They were pretty good to me and had me in a bed within the first hour on account of I could not have sat there for all those hours...Anyways, the doctor told me that she thinks I have a disc protruding from my spine and pushing on a nerve. So, they sent me home with a shot of morphine and some percocets to take until I could get in to see my family doctor. Which was Thursday...So, this morning. He ordered an urgent MRI and gave me some oxycodone and valium to deal with the pain until we can get it. So now I guess we just play the waiting game.

So, I am currently in one of the worst places I've ever been in. I'm depressed and moody, I've been so sad and I just all around don't know what to do (I apologize if I repeat myself or if I don't make much sense...With all the medication I'm on and how strong it is I'm sort of all over the place) I hate everything right now...I feel SO alone. I am by myself all day and at night time when my boyfriend gets home he's tired. My friends are all super busy right now I guess so I haven't seen or spoken to any of them really. I'm thinking of spending some time with my mom. It's the only place I really feel a little bit better. Well, I'll write more later I guess...I'm pretty tired right now. Bye.

My Pup Is The Best Medicine I've Got

So, I'm trying not to worry so much about my test results as I've worried myself into the ground and I'm really tired. I've been cooking and cleaning all day to try and get my mind off of everything. It's worked a little but now I hurt worse than I did this morning. My leg has been hurting a lot lately. As has my lower back. *sigh* The boyfriend and I are taking a road trip out to see his family this weekend. Which is nice, I always love our car trips together :) And this time we get to bring our new puppy :) He's 11 weeks old and adorable.

He is a Basset puppy and very sweet and cuddly. He is currently, the best medicine available. He brings joy to me everyday. He makes me laugh and smile constantly with his sweet sad face and huge floppy ears(while there is equal amounts of unhappiness at the moment while he teethes and destroys things, that will get better in time) He is a big clown who loves to chase the cats. He is always tripping over his long ears and he is really starting to like his walks. I was feeling really crappy earlier today, (pain wise) and I knew he needed to go for a walk but I wasn't sure I had it in me. But since he is a living thing and has needs, I decided that I had to suck it up and take him out if even for a little bit no matter how much pain I was in. So, we went for a walk and I feel better :) Not necessarily my leg...But my heart and my head do. I love this little creature so much. I think that he is going to be a big part in my rehabilitation.