What's New.

Alright, so I guess those of you that follow (if there are any of you!) are probably wondering what's going on. So, I've been mostly on pain medications. I was on oxycontin and valium. Those didn't work because they made me so tired. I just slept all day and night. Now, I'm on something called 'Riliva' (pain killer) and Lyrica, (anti-seizure medication to help with nerve pain). They have sort of been helping I guess. I need to try and get in to see my doctor tomorrow because I only take the pain killer once a day and it's not really working. Honestly, I just want my fucking MRI now. It's been almost a month. Apparently I am on an 'urgent' list for one. I think that's bullshit. I can't carry my freaking puppy outside!

Here are my main issues;

- Can't walk
- Can't sit
- Can't stand
- Can't clean my house
- Can't cook
- Can't use the bathroom. (Well, I can. It just takes 45 seconds at least from the time I sit down. Which isn't normal when you feel like you have to go so much you're going to explode.) You see, apparently, I'm having a hard time urinating...But not hard ENOUGH that they will take me into emerg. Awesome.
- Can't walk/play with my puppy
- ...Well, let's just go ahead and say that getting out of bed is even difficult.

I don't know how much longer I can put up with this crap. I wonder what happens when a doctor gets really sick? Do you think that they have to wait months for an MRI? No. I highly doubt that they do. I was talking with a girl I knew, she had to wait seven MONTHS for her MRI. Granted, she was not on an urgent list, but STILL. That is ridiculous. You see, in Canada, its free healthcare. Yaaaay!!! Right? Wrong. Of course it is great. BUT what it means, is that if you're sitting in the hospital and some crackhead bum comes in who walked in front of a vehicle while stoned out of his tree, HE gets treated first. Well that's great. And that is how it works. I remember one time, sitting in the hospital, feeling like my ovaries were going to explode. Literally pop. Then this crazy girl walks in, fighting with a guy who I can only assume is her boyfriend. He tells her he's leaving, blah, blah, blah, unless she gets help. All this crap. So she walks up to the triage desk and goes... 'I've been having feelings.' ...REALLY?! I have 'feelings' 100% of the time, as I'm sure the entire WORLD (not including sociopaths) do. Could you be a LITTLE more specific (which I am sure is what the nurse said) because she replied with 'Well, I'm feeling sad' ...Oh GOD. Go home, take some advil, down a container of ice cream, watch a sad movie and have a good cry. Your period will end in a week or so.

Okay, I totally got off topic and had a rant there. Anyways, I am sweating profusely (side effect) feel so nauseous and like throwing up (side effect) and I am tired as hell (side effect) ...Well then. I'm going to go lay down I think.

Hospitalization, trouble walking, eating, sleeping...etc.

I'm having sort of the darkest week of my life here. Since Friday night I have been having some of the most incredibly awful pain I've ever had. I can't walk, I can't sit, I'm having a difficult time going to the bathroom, all in all, I can barely function at the moment. I'm having a hard time doing anything on my own and am having to have someone with me constantly...Which is not always working.

Its been hard. I'm feeling incredibly lonely and sad, I'm angry and frustrated...I feel trapped. And I don't know what to do. I went to the hospital on Monday afternoon. I was there for around five hours. They were pretty good to me and had me in a bed within the first hour on account of I could not have sat there for all those hours...Anyways, the doctor told me that she thinks I have a disc protruding from my spine and pushing on a nerve. So, they sent me home with a shot of morphine and some percocets to take until I could get in to see my family doctor. Which was Thursday...So, this morning. He ordered an urgent MRI and gave me some oxycodone and valium to deal with the pain until we can get it. So now I guess we just play the waiting game.

So, I am currently in one of the worst places I've ever been in. I'm depressed and moody, I've been so sad and I just all around don't know what to do (I apologize if I repeat myself or if I don't make much sense...With all the medication I'm on and how strong it is I'm sort of all over the place) I hate everything right now...I feel SO alone. I am by myself all day and at night time when my boyfriend gets home he's tired. My friends are all super busy right now I guess so I haven't seen or spoken to any of them really. I'm thinking of spending some time with my mom. It's the only place I really feel a little bit better. Well, I'll write more later I guess...I'm pretty tired right now. Bye.

My Pup Is The Best Medicine I've Got

So, I'm trying not to worry so much about my test results as I've worried myself into the ground and I'm really tired. I've been cooking and cleaning all day to try and get my mind off of everything. It's worked a little but now I hurt worse than I did this morning. My leg has been hurting a lot lately. As has my lower back. *sigh* The boyfriend and I are taking a road trip out to see his family this weekend. Which is nice, I always love our car trips together :) And this time we get to bring our new puppy :) He's 11 weeks old and adorable.

He is a Basset puppy and very sweet and cuddly. He is currently, the best medicine available. He brings joy to me everyday. He makes me laugh and smile constantly with his sweet sad face and huge floppy ears(while there is equal amounts of unhappiness at the moment while he teethes and destroys things, that will get better in time) He is a big clown who loves to chase the cats. He is always tripping over his long ears and he is really starting to like his walks. I was feeling really crappy earlier today, (pain wise) and I knew he needed to go for a walk but I wasn't sure I had it in me. But since he is a living thing and has needs, I decided that I had to suck it up and take him out if even for a little bit no matter how much pain I was in. So, we went for a walk and I feel better :) Not necessarily my leg...But my heart and my head do. I love this little creature so much. I think that he is going to be a big part in my rehabilitation.

Trying not to freak out but.....

I have been a bad blogger, after my horrid weekend I just needed some time to recover, as well as adjust to my new meds and the side effects. I've been feeling better since starting the anti-depressants and stopping the pain killers (well, sort of...the pain is much more noticeable)

^ Okay, that ^ was from April 1st. Since then we've gotten a puppy and things have been crazy. So, here's what's new;

I've been having a LOT of pain, haven't been able to get in to see anyone. And currently, I am freaking out. Yesterday my boyfriend and I tried to have sex. It was incredibly unsuccessful as when we did I felt the worst, stabbing pain I have ever felt. I've looked into it and they say that most likely it's a cyst. As I've been having more back pain than usual and it hurts in that same spot to pee, and even to sit. For most women, a cyst is not a big deal. However, in my family my mother and Grandmother have both had the big 'C'. My mother had ovarian cancer that spread to her uterus. Her whole life was spent like me. Wondering why sex was painful, why she had heavy periods, why it always hurt. They kept on telling her it was all in her head. Until one day they finally did a biopsy. My mother had stage three ovarian cancer that had spread to her uterus. I am totally panicking and trying really hard not to. I haven't really told anyone, so this I think is why I'm blogging about it. I need to get it out of my system. Last year I had an abnormal pap test. I was supposed to go back to get checked again, but I never did. I'm going to the doctor tomorrow and we'll see what happens. I would prefer to see my own doctor, but I can't get in to see her until May 12th. That's all for now folks.

A Wonderful Weekend Of Withdrawal Symptoms...

How was everyone's weekend? Good I hope! Well, mine was spent shivering with a headache feeling like vomiting. Yes, that's right. My body was going through withdrawal symptoms. To make matters worse, I had a trade show that I had to do. I met a super nice girl and ended up having a great time (with her...Not at the trade show..Man oh man...NEVER AGAIN) even though I felt like dying. So, because I was dealing with this, I clearly had no painkillers to take...I was living on advil...About 8-12 a day. I'm still getting really bad migraines, but I think that's a mix of the new medication and tension headaches. I'm also getting waves of nausea...Again, probably the new meds. Okay, I'm totally off track...Right! So, my weekend was awful! I had a breakdown on Sunday...Not cool. Hopefully the new medication will help with that. My new medication, if you're wondering, is called 'Celexa' Its an anti-depressant. I'm not afraid to admit that yes, I am probably depressed. I've had a ton of symptoms of it and my emotions have been crazy lately. The reason I have no issues admitting it is for one reason, and that reason is this; I am in CONSTANT pain. Every single day of my life. I can't do the things I used to be able to, I've put on a ton of weight, I have problems walking, I have problems standing, I have problems sitting, and altogether life is 10x harder than it used to be. My accident changed me. Completely and totally changed who I am. I used to be a fun, outgoing, active person. And I still am sort of...As much as I can be...But it's hard to be cheery when you're body is always screaming at you. I've stopped doing things, I barely even go to physio anymore. I don't see a point, I will admit, I have lost all hope. It's will be three years on May fourth and I am still at this point.

Oh, I got my blood work back. Low iron apparently. Probably because I donate. But she said not enough to make me this tired all the time. So hopefully the meds will help with that. I should also add, that I won't be taking painkillers anymore. I never EVER want to go through what I did EVER again. Honestly, Friday I just laid in bed freezing with the heating blanket on high and four other blankets on. Didn't sleep, I couldn't. Just laid there...It was AWFUL. I will deal with my pain...and...I don't know...Figure it out. I had a very bad night Monday night. It was hard, but I cried, and breathed and powered through it...So we'll see how this goes...

Codeine Withdrawal?

Okay, so I'm having one of the worst days of my life today. I started my new medication last night...Here's the list of side effects...Contact your doctor if you experience these side effects and they are severe or bothersome.

Your pharmacist may be able to advise you on managing side effects.

* abdominal pain
* agitation
* anxiety
* diarrhea
* dizziness
* drowsiness
* dry mouth
* fatigue
* fever
* heartburn
* increased sweating
* increased yawning
* loss of appetite
* nausea
* painful periods
* sexual difficulties
* shakiness
* sore throat
* stuffy or runny nose
* trouble sleeping
* vomiting

Although most of the side effects listed below don't happen very often, they could lead to serious problems if you do not check with your doctor or seek medical attention.

Check with your doctor as soon as possible if any of the following side effects occur:

* behaviour similar to drunkenness
* bleeding gums
* blurred vision
* confusion
* dizziness or fainting
* increase in frequency of urination or amount of urine produced, or trouble holding or releasing urine
* irregular heartbeat
* lack of emotion
* loss of memory
* menstrual changes
* mood or mental changes
* nervousness
* nosebleed
* purple or red spots on skin
* severe agitation
* severe migraine
* skin rash or itching
* slow or irregular heartbeat (less than 50 beats per minute)
* sore throat, fever, and chills
* trouble breathing
* unusual or sudden body or facial movements or postures

So, after I took it I started to get very antsy, I was nervous and scared, my stomach was killing me, and I just wanted to sleep...I came into the bedroom and tried to get some sleep, I didn't actually get to bed until around 2 or 3am, I'm not really sure. But this morning I woke up with the worst migrane I've ever had in my life...Like, 15/10 on the pain scale. I could barely open my eyes. My neck muscles were so sore and I was shaking like a leaf. At first I assumed that It was from my new medication. I had spoken with my doctor and she had mentioned that it might be withdrawal symptoms from my codeine...I haven't taken any in two days because my doctor is gone so I didn't have any. So, here are the symptoms of codeine withdrawal;

# Runny nose
# Sweating
# Twitching muscles
# Muscle pain
# Headache
# Irregular heartbeat
# Nausea
# Vomiting
# High blood pressure
# Fever
# Insomnia
# Dehydration
# Yawning
# Weakness
# Stomach cramps

I'm not really sure what's what...If its withdrawal what do I do? Stop taking pain meds? I don't feel bad not being on them...At least not mentally, aside from the pain I don't feel like I need them at all. But my nose has been running like crazy, I've been nauseous as hell, I can't sleep, I've been getting stomach cramps, my neck muscles were twitching like crazy this morning, and it would explain the muscle pain and headaches..I feel SO bad...I've pretty much been laying in bed all day under my heating blanket because I've been freezing. My head has been throbbing all day, I still have no pain meds, and I've taken 8 Advil today...Recommended dose is 6 in a 24 hour period... I'm going to lay back down...I'm having trouble concentrating and even thinking at all...

So, I just had a meltdown/anxiety attack...Awesome...And I'm supposed to be babysitting, so my ride is going to be here in like 2 minutes. Even more awesome...I have been having a lot of trouble with my anxiety and stress...It's been building and building, and I guess that today was the last straw...I just cried and cried and am about to cry now just even talking about it...and not that sweet girly one tear shed...I'm talking fluids pouring out of every orifice...Hot. I'm going to be speaking to one of my doctors tomorrow about possibly getting on some medication for it.. My head is pounding and I feel like shit...You know how every once in a while you have to just have a good cry? And then after you feel better? Oh no, not this time. I STILL feel like shit...I honestly don't even know what to say about it..