Tsk Tsk Tsk

So, I was extremely upset after my doctors appointment yesterday. Heres why; I haven't been to see that doctor for SEVEN MONTHS and seven months ago they were nice to me there. She then asked about my medication. When I told her my pain levels were bad and I was taking 6-8 pills a day she then scolded me about how bad it was for me. It's awful for my liver...Blah blah blah. Yes. I KNOW this! But instead of giving me crap how about HELPING me and my pain. So, she does try...She offers me ridiculously expensive medication, knowing that I have no health coverage...But thats not all. She also offers me medication that you only take at night...Riiiight because as we all know I'm only in pain at night! (Sarcasm) Oh! and then she kept trying to shove anti depressants down my throat. Really? I'm not depressed. Yes. I am sad. A lot. But you try living your damn life in pain EVERY. SINGLE. DAY. You try living your life never having a day to relax because you have to see a billion doctors. You try living your life never being able to keep up with people or do any of the things that you want to do. And we will see how your mood is :) Sooo, that was yesterday. I went home crying.

Today, I had my upper SI joint injected again, god that is so unbelievably painful. And long! Its not just one quick thing. Its like 5 minutes of needles in your body. OUCH. The nurses were really nice though. Same with the doctor. I have to go again next Thursday to have my greater trochanteric bursa injected. Hopefully that all goes well. Anyways, I'm going to work on fundraiser stuff. Later.

So, so sick...

I've been taking my meds since about the beginning of December. The stomach aches are getting worse and worse...to the point that I can't move...and I'm having almost every side effect of the drug.

Common effects other than analgesia associated with the use of codeine include euphoria, itching, nausea, vomiting, drowsiness, dry mouth, miosis, orthostatic hypotension, urinary retention, depression and constipation

The itching is one of the worst...same with dry mouth...Its really bad. But its either really bad side effects...Or really bad pain...The pain is worse.

This morning I woke up petrified because I couldn't move my leg...I could feel it..but...Ugh, I really don't know how to explain it..I know that it scared me insanely. I was trying to clench it...put pressure on it...wiggle my toes...It was all just...hard...

I should probably really mention that to my doctor...but I figure maybe I just slept on it funny...Or slept on it at all. On account of...well. Its a bad leg. I don't really have anything positive to say still...Its been a really hard month..and isn't really looking up. Maybe AFTER my shots are done it will be better...but until then..I really don't know. I'm feeling really down and like I don't have anyone here for me...Well, I have Mr. M...But I would love to give the poor guy a break. He has been so wonderful in taking care of me...I would really just like to spend one day with him where we can just laugh and have fun...And I'm not hopped up on drugs...Just...a normal night...A date...Dinner and a movie...That's all...

In A Bad, Bad Place...

I had physio last night. It was awful. I mean, its usually awful but this time it was extra awful. My IMS is usually really bad muscular pain, but this time it hurt my skin really bad too..I have never felt more like a pin cushion in my life...Also, as much as I tried to avoid my next cortisone injection in my joint...I spoke with my doctor today and have now ended up with TWO injections. I cried. I also got new painkillers today...They make me want to throw up, and make me sweaty..and nervous, and dizzy...and just in general bad (though they do knock me out, therefore I sleep, therefore I feel no pain..Which I guess is great...If I could spend my whole life sleeping)...I'm still tired all the time...And I know its not an iron deficiency because I donate blood on a regular basis. So I am going to see my doctor in Febuary...She doesn't have any openings until then, so I might mention it to her then. They booked me in with a different doctor...but I'm skeptical. Which I think is fair considering how many doctors I have dealt with in my life. I honestly don't really have any good news...As the title indicates I am in a bad, bad place...Bleh. I think I am going to go and sleep some more...I'm trying to study for my learners...which sets off my PTSD...Which is exhausting..So..That's about it...

Bye

RIP Toki Littlefoot. We love you so much.

Our pet tortoise passed away last night :( That was so hard. I kept poor Mr. M up for hours last night crying. I'm going to cry now just writing about it. I am so sad. It has been such a hard couple of months. I feel like death is devouring my life right now. There's so much of it around me. I am just so sad...I don't really want to blog right now...I'm going to go to bed and cry all day :)

Bye

Ugh..

So, I've been a crappy blogger. Have had to deal with some family things. Which I won't be sharing. This blog is about me, and all my problems :P Anyways, the pain has been bad. REALLY bad. Do you have any idea how hard it is to sleep when you can't lay on either side? I have never ever been able to sleep on my stomach or back. So I sleep on my sides. However, that has been majorly difficult as of late because of two things. o1) My God damn leg. It's been pretty bad since being poked at and aggravated at my IME. and o2) Every time I lay on one of my sides, my freaking arms/shoulders go numb. I have been so frustrated with it that I have pretty much been crying myself to sleep at night. I have to toss and turn more than I regularly do and I am NEVER comfortable. You know, I don't even remember what it feels like to just sit, or lay down and not feel pain. And to be comfortable. Wow, how sad is that? So, I'm not sleeping well, which means I am tired ALL the time. I never want to get out of bed. It just hurts so much...And I really just don't have the energy. I just feel bad all the time. I've been crying daily...I can't deal with this right now. I also haven't been out of my house to do anything fun in a long time. But as easy as that seems, its not. I get up, and do as much as I can at home and then I'm pretty much toast. Okay...Well, I just wanted to update because I haven't done any posts lately. I feel like crap. I'm going to lay down I guess.

Longest Week Ever?

So, I was supposed to go to an appointment this morning at 11am. However, being that I was up until 6:30am feeling like crap, that did not happen. But tomorrow, I have a very important doctors appointment, a job interview AND am going to Miss. B's audition (Which I can't sit in on SADLY! but is about the only part of this day that I am looking forward to) You see, I am seeing a NEW doctor tomorrow. Which means, all the poking and prodding and 'does this hurt' ...'YES!'...'Oh, well how about this?' the doctor says as he pokes you harder in the same spot..and stories I've told a bazillion times...Is going to have to be re-lived when I go tomorrow. Bummer! SO NOT looking forward to that. *sigh* Then off to another doctors appointment on Thursday, and I haven't even booked physio, chiro, massage, or my other doctor yet this week. Then Friday I don't know what it is yet, but I know I have something happening. And then Saturday I've got a party, which is work for me. I know, great, right? (Again with the sarcasm thing...I'm actually being serious) Anyways, that's all I can vent right now. My back is killing me...Must go eat toast so that I can take pain killers...(Right, need a re-fill...Maybe I'll do that on Friday. Oh, and while I am reminding myself of things, I also need to phone and book my cortisone injection...Bleh)

The Terry's Chocolate Orange Incedent.

Okay, so I am currently sitting at a very uncomfortable computer desk at the moment..So this won't be a long post as I am sick as well and am having trouble taking my medication because that is hard on my stomach on a good day. I just wanted to say that I probably have the sweetest man in existence. I will tell you why. Mr. M and I like to do our shopping late at night. As our grocery store is open 24 hours and I don't like the rush of peoples I tend to walk slower now that I have my cane and whatnot. Also, to preface this there is one thing you should know about me. I LOVE, LOVE, LOVE Terry's chocolate oranges more than any other Christmas thing...Now then, back to the story. As we are taking the items out of the cart to put them on the...grocery...belt...thing (I'm usually pretty eloquent...However, I'm not at this particular moment..What the hell is that thing called?!) and in the far corner of the cart I notice a Terrys Chocolate orange! This is my thought process 'Hey look! A Terry's Chocolate Orange!' ... 'I don't think that was in there before...' ... 'I like Terry's Chocolate Oranges' ... *Look at Mr. M to see him grinning* 'BABY!' :D :D :D And I smiled from ear to ear, and just like that, he had the happiest girlfriend alive. Then add to that the fact that he took amazing care of me ALL day today...Sweetest. Man. ALIVE! :) Anywho. Most of my posts have been pretty depressing...So I will leave this one as it is. Because I think it's decently happy. And I will save my depressingness for later :P

Lots of love,
Miss. W
xoxox

New Years Morning

I find it really depressing that I barely finished a glass of wine last night and woke up this morning with a killer headache. How unfair? Didn't even get to get stupid drunk and I'm still paying for it. Greeeeat.

I would also like to note that I am infuriated with hotmail at the moment. I haven't been able to check my email for three days now (My email is my work). I get a message that says 'We're doing maintenance...blah blah blah...If you've been waiting more than an hour let us know by clicking here...Then they provide a link that I have to search all over the fucking place to get to a forum where I can post my issue...Then they tell me all these things that *I* can do to try and make it work. I'm sorry, *I* did not cause the problem. You did. They tell me to 'optimize my browser' so as to make sure that my browser is not the problem. No, I just told you. *I* did not cause this issue. You! Did! So here was my post;

I haven't been able to get onto my email for three days now. I am very frustrated and do not think that I, or anyone else should be solving an issue that you guys caused. My browser is not contributing to the issue as my boyfriend can sign into his email just fine. Please fix my account.

Fucken assholes. I have had hotmail for many years now, NEVER had a problem with them until now. And Im probably having issues with them because I just recently told my father about how great they are and that I have never ever had any problems with them. God dammit.

My leg is bad today. I went to take my painkillers this morning and realized that I am running low. Which I think is bad because I only got them on December 16th. So, now my doctor is probably going to think I am an addicted drug seeker or whatever...Yeah, forget the excruciating pain that I go through on a regular basis...THAT has nothing to do with it. Im taking about 6 pills a day, yes. But I am taking them properly. I take two every four to six hours. Honestly one of my biggest issues since my car accident has been asking for pain killers. I HATE doing it. I feel like people always see the worst in everyone else, so they assume I am going to take these drugs, melt them, shoot them up and then sell them on the street to cracked out prostitutes. Now, of course I know that is not whats happening to them. The real, and much more boring story is that; I get up in the morning...In a ton of pain...I take two pills...Two hours later they wear off, I wait the other two hours until I can take them again, and then I do. Rinse, repeat...All day...Every day. I know, not nearly as glamorous as my other story right? Now, I am not going to sit here and defend myself...You know....The whole, Im not addicted, I know Im not...I can stop taking them whenever I want! ...Cause well, lets face it...That just makes you sound like an addict. I dont care what people think. I know what I know. And thats all you need to know! Hah. I think that is one of my greatest traits...My sense of humor...its one of the only things that keeps me going. I just re-read that only to rrealize that it was much more humerous in my head. Ah well. I'm still funny dammit!

Anywho, Im going to go eat my wonderful breakfast of...Toast...Mmmmm.
Happy New Year
xoxox