Fuck sake...

Christ. I know it's been a long time since I've been on here, but I've got nowhere else to go. I've got. NO one who understands what I'm dealing with. My friends have all bailed on me. Which I've been bummed about for a little while now, this is obviously not getting me anywhere. But I do miss them. Ah well. Once you've lived with chronic pain you learn to accept that people who have never lived with it can never accept you. They don't want to deal with someone who is depressed all the time. Especially at the age of 21. Everyone expects that you can go out and do all sorts of things with them, and truth be told you would probably take a human life if it meant that you could again. They choose to ignore you because if you DO manage to get out and do anything with them you try. Not to complain but you can't help it, for fuck sake it HURTS. You have to stop and sit down, or walk in a place like a movie theater and that seems weird.

It is truly heartbreaking that these people who are supposed to care about you can just forget about you.

Anyways... That's all for now I guess...I'm in too much pain to concentrate and my post probably doesn't even make much sense... It's almost 3am and all I want to do is head to the ER because the pain is so bad and all my pain killers have done nothing... Ugh.

I'm going crazy. I have too much going on right now..I literally feel like I'm going insane. I am having a hard time, an EXTREMELY hard time coping. I am having thoughts that legitimately frighten me. I am turning cold on the inside. I don't want to be an empty shell, but I fear that's what I'm becoming. My insides feel...funny...I don't even know how to explain it. They feel weak...And angry. I am feeling like the entire world is on my shoulders and I can't hold it up alone anymore. No one is getting what I'm dealing with. I'm sick of people thinking I'm an addict, or that I'm over exaggerating my pain...I'm extremely frustrated and lonely. I feel sick to my stomach, and I hate my life right now. I'm waiting on my neuro surgeon appointment and I am TERRIFIED for this surgery. No one gets that. Everyone keeps telling me to stay positive and that it will improve my life. What they don't understand is that I just can't take anymore disappointments right now. I literally can't. It WILL kill me. I had my nerve root block, and it worked so well. For a few weeks. Then my pain came back. And I cannot even explain what sort of a feeling that is. Its one that I've never experienced before...There is no word for it. But I cried for 2 weeks because I had gone from VERY minimal pain and not having to use my cane anymore to it all come flooding back and me having to hide in my basement and cry all day again. My life is starting to feel incredibly pointless. I feel as though I am wasting resources and air...I don't DO anything. Can't work, or attend school. Can't go out, can barely walk, can't live unless I take my huge cocktail of pills everywhere with me. I'm in a very dark place right now and I'm stuck. I don't know how to get out of it. I don't know how and I feel like no one can help me. I am so embarrassed that I'm feeling this way that i don't want to tell my doctors. I don't want to end up in some insane asylum because I'm depressed. I would have NEVER even thought of ending my life before, but now...I just don't know. I don't want them sending me to a psych ward because I am depressed that I'm in PAIN. If you get rid of the pain, then I will feel better. I KNOW I will. I just am thinking that there is no way to get rid of the pain. Its been three years and I'm feeling let down in every way.

This is insanity.

Okay. So I was just looking up the side effects of a drug I'm starting (SIDE EFFECTS: The most common side effects of pregabalin are dizziness, drowsiness, dry mouth, edema (accumulation of fluid), blurred vision, weight gain, and difficulty concentrating. Other side effects include reduced blood platelet counts, and increased blood creatinine kinase levels. Increased creatinine kinase can be a sign of muscle injury, and in clinical trials three patients experienced rhabdomyolysis (severe muscle injury). Therefore, patients should report unexplained muscle pain, tenderness or weakness to their doctors, especially if associated with fever and malaise (reduced well-being). Pregabalin has rarely been associated with angioedema (swelling of the face, tongue, lips, and gums, throat and larynx).

Antiepileptic medications have been associated with increased risk of suicidal thinking and behavior. Anyone considering the use of antiepileptic drugs must balance this risk of suicide with the clinical need. Patients who are started on therapy should be closely observed for clinical worsening, suicidal thoughts, or unusual changes in behavior.)


And what stuck out to me was this;


"Anyone considering the use of antiepileptic drugs must balance this risk of suicide with the clinical need."


Are you SERIOUSLY trying to tell me, that even though I am in pain and need this medication to feel BETTER that I have to BALANCE the risk of SUICIDE with my 'clinical need' ...I am SO angry right now it is not even funny. Why yes, this is what my life has turned into...A debate between killing myself and being in less pain. I am currently laughing right now because it is all I can do...This is the most ridiculous thing I have ever read. I don't even know what else to say...This is insanity. If this is goint to be my choices for the rest of my life, you know, weighing my options od killing myself and less pain, I might aswell just off myself now..(Don't panic. I'm not serious. Just trying to prove a point) Anyways, that's all I can say right now...I just needed to vent about that...

Quick update.

This is going to be short and sweet on account of sitting hurts..A lot. Lately. I had my MRI, I have a herniated disc in my low back that is causing all my pain. I am going to need back surgery but I think it's going to take a while. So in the mean time they are sending me for what is called a 'Medial branch block' ...Here is the jist of it.

Medial Branch Nerve Block Procedure

As with many spinal injections, medial branch blocking procedures are best performed under fluoroscopy (live x-ray) for guidance in properly targeting and placing the needle (and for avoiding nerve injury or other injury).

On the day of the injection, patients are advised to avoid driving and doing any strenuous activities, and to get plenty of rest the night before.

The injection procedure includes the following steps:
•An IV line will be started so that adequate relaxation medicine can be given, as needed.
•The patient lies on an x-ray table, and the skin over the area to be tested is well cleansed.
•The physician treats a small area of skin with a numbing medicine (anesthetic), which may sting for a few seconds.
•The physician uses x-ray guidance (fluoroscopy) to direct a very small needle over the medial branch nerves.
•Several drops of contrast dye are then injected to confirm that the medicine only goes over these medial branch nerves.
•Following this confirmation, a small mixture of numbing medicine (anesthetic) will then be slowly injected onto each targeted nerve.

The injection itself only takes a few minutes, but the entire procedure usually takes between fifteen and thirty minutes.


Medial Branch Block Video

After the procedure, the patient typically remains resting on the table for twenty to thirty minutes, and then is asked to move the affected area to try to provoke the usual pain. Patients may or may not obtain pain relief in the first few hours after the injection, depending upon whether or not the medial branch nerves that were injected are carrying pain signals from the spinal joints to the brain. On occasion, patients may feel numb or have a slightly weak or odd feeling in their neck or back for a few hours after the injection.

The patient will discuss with the doctor any immediate pain relief. Ideally, patients will also record the levels of pain relief during the next week in a pain diary. A pain diary is helpful to clearly inform the treating physician of the injection results and in planning future tests and/or treatment, as needed.

All in all, not excited.

What's New.

Alright, so I guess those of you that follow (if there are any of you!) are probably wondering what's going on. So, I've been mostly on pain medications. I was on oxycontin and valium. Those didn't work because they made me so tired. I just slept all day and night. Now, I'm on something called 'Riliva' (pain killer) and Lyrica, (anti-seizure medication to help with nerve pain). They have sort of been helping I guess. I need to try and get in to see my doctor tomorrow because I only take the pain killer once a day and it's not really working. Honestly, I just want my fucking MRI now. It's been almost a month. Apparently I am on an 'urgent' list for one. I think that's bullshit. I can't carry my freaking puppy outside!

Here are my main issues;

- Can't walk
- Can't sit
- Can't stand
- Can't clean my house
- Can't cook
- Can't use the bathroom. (Well, I can. It just takes 45 seconds at least from the time I sit down. Which isn't normal when you feel like you have to go so much you're going to explode.) You see, apparently, I'm having a hard time urinating...But not hard ENOUGH that they will take me into emerg. Awesome.
- Can't walk/play with my puppy
- ...Well, let's just go ahead and say that getting out of bed is even difficult.

I don't know how much longer I can put up with this crap. I wonder what happens when a doctor gets really sick? Do you think that they have to wait months for an MRI? No. I highly doubt that they do. I was talking with a girl I knew, she had to wait seven MONTHS for her MRI. Granted, she was not on an urgent list, but STILL. That is ridiculous. You see, in Canada, its free healthcare. Yaaaay!!! Right? Wrong. Of course it is great. BUT what it means, is that if you're sitting in the hospital and some crackhead bum comes in who walked in front of a vehicle while stoned out of his tree, HE gets treated first. Well that's great. And that is how it works. I remember one time, sitting in the hospital, feeling like my ovaries were going to explode. Literally pop. Then this crazy girl walks in, fighting with a guy who I can only assume is her boyfriend. He tells her he's leaving, blah, blah, blah, unless she gets help. All this crap. So she walks up to the triage desk and goes... 'I've been having feelings.' ...REALLY?! I have 'feelings' 100% of the time, as I'm sure the entire WORLD (not including sociopaths) do. Could you be a LITTLE more specific (which I am sure is what the nurse said) because she replied with 'Well, I'm feeling sad' ...Oh GOD. Go home, take some advil, down a container of ice cream, watch a sad movie and have a good cry. Your period will end in a week or so.

Okay, I totally got off topic and had a rant there. Anyways, I am sweating profusely (side effect) feel so nauseous and like throwing up (side effect) and I am tired as hell (side effect) ...Well then. I'm going to go lay down I think.

Hospitalization, trouble walking, eating, sleeping...etc.

I'm having sort of the darkest week of my life here. Since Friday night I have been having some of the most incredibly awful pain I've ever had. I can't walk, I can't sit, I'm having a difficult time going to the bathroom, all in all, I can barely function at the moment. I'm having a hard time doing anything on my own and am having to have someone with me constantly...Which is not always working.

Its been hard. I'm feeling incredibly lonely and sad, I'm angry and frustrated...I feel trapped. And I don't know what to do. I went to the hospital on Monday afternoon. I was there for around five hours. They were pretty good to me and had me in a bed within the first hour on account of I could not have sat there for all those hours...Anyways, the doctor told me that she thinks I have a disc protruding from my spine and pushing on a nerve. So, they sent me home with a shot of morphine and some percocets to take until I could get in to see my family doctor. Which was Thursday...So, this morning. He ordered an urgent MRI and gave me some oxycodone and valium to deal with the pain until we can get it. So now I guess we just play the waiting game.

So, I am currently in one of the worst places I've ever been in. I'm depressed and moody, I've been so sad and I just all around don't know what to do (I apologize if I repeat myself or if I don't make much sense...With all the medication I'm on and how strong it is I'm sort of all over the place) I hate everything right now...I feel SO alone. I am by myself all day and at night time when my boyfriend gets home he's tired. My friends are all super busy right now I guess so I haven't seen or spoken to any of them really. I'm thinking of spending some time with my mom. It's the only place I really feel a little bit better. Well, I'll write more later I guess...I'm pretty tired right now. Bye.

My Pup Is The Best Medicine I've Got

So, I'm trying not to worry so much about my test results as I've worried myself into the ground and I'm really tired. I've been cooking and cleaning all day to try and get my mind off of everything. It's worked a little but now I hurt worse than I did this morning. My leg has been hurting a lot lately. As has my lower back. *sigh* The boyfriend and I are taking a road trip out to see his family this weekend. Which is nice, I always love our car trips together :) And this time we get to bring our new puppy :) He's 11 weeks old and adorable.

He is a Basset puppy and very sweet and cuddly. He is currently, the best medicine available. He brings joy to me everyday. He makes me laugh and smile constantly with his sweet sad face and huge floppy ears(while there is equal amounts of unhappiness at the moment while he teethes and destroys things, that will get better in time) He is a big clown who loves to chase the cats. He is always tripping over his long ears and he is really starting to like his walks. I was feeling really crappy earlier today, (pain wise) and I knew he needed to go for a walk but I wasn't sure I had it in me. But since he is a living thing and has needs, I decided that I had to suck it up and take him out if even for a little bit no matter how much pain I was in. So, we went for a walk and I feel better :) Not necessarily my leg...But my heart and my head do. I love this little creature so much. I think that he is going to be a big part in my rehabilitation.

Trying not to freak out but.....

I have been a bad blogger, after my horrid weekend I just needed some time to recover, as well as adjust to my new meds and the side effects. I've been feeling better since starting the anti-depressants and stopping the pain killers (well, sort of...the pain is much more noticeable)

^ Okay, that ^ was from April 1st. Since then we've gotten a puppy and things have been crazy. So, here's what's new;

I've been having a LOT of pain, haven't been able to get in to see anyone. And currently, I am freaking out. Yesterday my boyfriend and I tried to have sex. It was incredibly unsuccessful as when we did I felt the worst, stabbing pain I have ever felt. I've looked into it and they say that most likely it's a cyst. As I've been having more back pain than usual and it hurts in that same spot to pee, and even to sit. For most women, a cyst is not a big deal. However, in my family my mother and Grandmother have both had the big 'C'. My mother had ovarian cancer that spread to her uterus. Her whole life was spent like me. Wondering why sex was painful, why she had heavy periods, why it always hurt. They kept on telling her it was all in her head. Until one day they finally did a biopsy. My mother had stage three ovarian cancer that had spread to her uterus. I am totally panicking and trying really hard not to. I haven't really told anyone, so this I think is why I'm blogging about it. I need to get it out of my system. Last year I had an abnormal pap test. I was supposed to go back to get checked again, but I never did. I'm going to the doctor tomorrow and we'll see what happens. I would prefer to see my own doctor, but I can't get in to see her until May 12th. That's all for now folks.

A Wonderful Weekend Of Withdrawal Symptoms...

How was everyone's weekend? Good I hope! Well, mine was spent shivering with a headache feeling like vomiting. Yes, that's right. My body was going through withdrawal symptoms. To make matters worse, I had a trade show that I had to do. I met a super nice girl and ended up having a great time (with her...Not at the trade show..Man oh man...NEVER AGAIN) even though I felt like dying. So, because I was dealing with this, I clearly had no painkillers to take...I was living on advil...About 8-12 a day. I'm still getting really bad migraines, but I think that's a mix of the new medication and tension headaches. I'm also getting waves of nausea...Again, probably the new meds. Okay, I'm totally off track...Right! So, my weekend was awful! I had a breakdown on Sunday...Not cool. Hopefully the new medication will help with that. My new medication, if you're wondering, is called 'Celexa' Its an anti-depressant. I'm not afraid to admit that yes, I am probably depressed. I've had a ton of symptoms of it and my emotions have been crazy lately. The reason I have no issues admitting it is for one reason, and that reason is this; I am in CONSTANT pain. Every single day of my life. I can't do the things I used to be able to, I've put on a ton of weight, I have problems walking, I have problems standing, I have problems sitting, and altogether life is 10x harder than it used to be. My accident changed me. Completely and totally changed who I am. I used to be a fun, outgoing, active person. And I still am sort of...As much as I can be...But it's hard to be cheery when you're body is always screaming at you. I've stopped doing things, I barely even go to physio anymore. I don't see a point, I will admit, I have lost all hope. It's will be three years on May fourth and I am still at this point.

Oh, I got my blood work back. Low iron apparently. Probably because I donate. But she said not enough to make me this tired all the time. So hopefully the meds will help with that. I should also add, that I won't be taking painkillers anymore. I never EVER want to go through what I did EVER again. Honestly, Friday I just laid in bed freezing with the heating blanket on high and four other blankets on. Didn't sleep, I couldn't. Just laid there...It was AWFUL. I will deal with my pain...and...I don't know...Figure it out. I had a very bad night Monday night. It was hard, but I cried, and breathed and powered through it...So we'll see how this goes...

Codeine Withdrawal?

Okay, so I'm having one of the worst days of my life today. I started my new medication last night...Here's the list of side effects...Contact your doctor if you experience these side effects and they are severe or bothersome.

Your pharmacist may be able to advise you on managing side effects.

* abdominal pain
* agitation
* anxiety
* diarrhea
* dizziness
* drowsiness
* dry mouth
* fatigue
* fever
* heartburn
* increased sweating
* increased yawning
* loss of appetite
* nausea
* painful periods
* sexual difficulties
* shakiness
* sore throat
* stuffy or runny nose
* trouble sleeping
* vomiting

Although most of the side effects listed below don't happen very often, they could lead to serious problems if you do not check with your doctor or seek medical attention.

Check with your doctor as soon as possible if any of the following side effects occur:

* behaviour similar to drunkenness
* bleeding gums
* blurred vision
* confusion
* dizziness or fainting
* increase in frequency of urination or amount of urine produced, or trouble holding or releasing urine
* irregular heartbeat
* lack of emotion
* loss of memory
* menstrual changes
* mood or mental changes
* nervousness
* nosebleed
* purple or red spots on skin
* severe agitation
* severe migraine
* skin rash or itching
* slow or irregular heartbeat (less than 50 beats per minute)
* sore throat, fever, and chills
* trouble breathing
* unusual or sudden body or facial movements or postures

So, after I took it I started to get very antsy, I was nervous and scared, my stomach was killing me, and I just wanted to sleep...I came into the bedroom and tried to get some sleep, I didn't actually get to bed until around 2 or 3am, I'm not really sure. But this morning I woke up with the worst migrane I've ever had in my life...Like, 15/10 on the pain scale. I could barely open my eyes. My neck muscles were so sore and I was shaking like a leaf. At first I assumed that It was from my new medication. I had spoken with my doctor and she had mentioned that it might be withdrawal symptoms from my codeine...I haven't taken any in two days because my doctor is gone so I didn't have any. So, here are the symptoms of codeine withdrawal;

# Runny nose
# Sweating
# Twitching muscles
# Muscle pain
# Headache
# Irregular heartbeat
# Nausea
# Vomiting
# High blood pressure
# Fever
# Insomnia
# Dehydration
# Yawning
# Weakness
# Stomach cramps

I'm not really sure what's what...If its withdrawal what do I do? Stop taking pain meds? I don't feel bad not being on them...At least not mentally, aside from the pain I don't feel like I need them at all. But my nose has been running like crazy, I've been nauseous as hell, I can't sleep, I've been getting stomach cramps, my neck muscles were twitching like crazy this morning, and it would explain the muscle pain and headaches..I feel SO bad...I've pretty much been laying in bed all day under my heating blanket because I've been freezing. My head has been throbbing all day, I still have no pain meds, and I've taken 8 Advil today...Recommended dose is 6 in a 24 hour period... I'm going to lay back down...I'm having trouble concentrating and even thinking at all...

So, I just had a meltdown/anxiety attack...Awesome...And I'm supposed to be babysitting, so my ride is going to be here in like 2 minutes. Even more awesome...I have been having a lot of trouble with my anxiety and stress...It's been building and building, and I guess that today was the last straw...I just cried and cried and am about to cry now just even talking about it...and not that sweet girly one tear shed...I'm talking fluids pouring out of every orifice...Hot. I'm going to be speaking to one of my doctors tomorrow about possibly getting on some medication for it.. My head is pounding and I feel like shit...You know how every once in a while you have to just have a good cry? And then after you feel better? Oh no, not this time. I STILL feel like shit...I honestly don't even know what to say about it..

What Is Whiplash?

Alright, so this post I guess is to explain a little bit of what I'm dealing with...A few of the conditions, and the issues that I've had since my accident...

I think that one of the major issues that I've had has been 'whiplash'

Whiplash

Pain in the neck, shoulders, head or the base of the skull that occurs after a motor vehicle accident is often called “whiplash.” Most patients with whiplash recover in a few weeks or at most, a few months, but 15 to 20% of people (I am in that 15-20 percentile) develop chronic pain. Whiplash is not a trivial problem, because once it has occurred, only 70% have recovered completely by one year and only 82% have recovered completely by two years. (Now, I know that seems like a lot, because when I first read it I thought it was too...but when you are in that 18% that didn't get better...18% seems pretty big.)

In addition to neck pain, there are many symptoms associated with the whiplash syndrome and include sleep problems, poor concentration and memory, blurry vision, ringing in the ears, fatigue, and weakness. (All of these symptoms have been a regular part of my life for almost 3 years now)

Whiplash: The causes of the pain

It is the patient with persistent pain without any other specific findings on examination or specialized tests that presents the most problems for the patient himself or herself, the doctors, and the legal system. (Which I have had one hell of a time with)In the first few weeks to months after motor vehicle accident, it is often impossible to determine the exact cause or causes of the pain. The symptoms and signs are not sufficiently specific. In almost every instance, the muscles and ligaments have been strained and may be inflamed, painful, and tender. However after about 3 months, primary muscle or other soft tissue injuries usually have healed.

The most common causes of persistent pain in whiplash are the facet joints and the discs. There is a poor correlation between the radiographic appearance of the joints and whether they are painful. Some joints which look bad are painless while other joints that look normal can be proven to be a source of pain. (Isn't that a bitch?) Only facet injections can determine whether the joint is painful. (I have just had two facet joint injections and I felt better for a short span of time, but apparently I am one of those people that the injections don't go well with...It works for a few weeks, a month if I'm really lucky and then that's it...Over)

In a research study by Drs. Bogduk and Aprill, in 23% of patients, facet joints alone were the cause of pain, in 20% of patients the discs alone were the cause of pain, and in 41% of patients both the facet joints and discs were contributing. They were not able to identify the source of the pain in only 17% of their patients.

Whiplash: Associated symptoms
Many whiplash patients have symptoms which seem unexplainable, such as headaches (check), pain in the shoulders (double check), between the shoulder blades(triple check), or in one or both arms (I don't have pain in my arms often, but when I do...Man it's there with a vengeance).

There may be fatigue(check), dizziness(check), problems with vision(I really couldn't tell you..I'm blind as a bat), ringing in the ears(check), heaviness in the arms, and low back pain(check). There can be poor concentration or memory(check), change in emotions with irritability(SUPER check), depression or short temper(check), and sleep disturbance(A zillion times, check).

Dizziness occurs in one-quarter to one-half of people with whiplash injury. Again, researchers are not sure of the cause. The most likely explanation is an injury to the part of the inner ear that regulates balance. Problems with memory and concentration can be due to the pain itself, depression, medications, or trauma to the brain. Visual disturbances occur in 10 to 30% of whiplash patients and blurred vision is the most common.


Whiplash: Long-term Outcome
Fortunately, most people who suffer neck pain after a whiplash injury will recover by six months. However, a small percentage of people continue to have pain.

Most patients destined to recover completely will have done so by three to four months(Well, I'm screwed), after which the rate of recovery slows markedly. By two years, essentially all patients have reached their individual maximum improvement.(NOt what I like to hear, as I am about 2 months away from it being three years) About 18% continued to have significant pain two years after the accident! (That's me!) Patients who did not get well tended to be older(Nope), had pain which began sooner after the accident (my pain began the day of the accident..), and/or had their head rotated to either side at the time of impact. They also found that patients who, before the accident, had a history of neck pain, arthritis of the neck, or headaches did not do as well(Nope).

Okay, another one of the things that has been hell the last three years...

Post Traumatic Stress Disorder

I would like to start off by saying that I am a 21 year old female....That doesn't drive. I am a 21 year old female that has difficulty BEING in a vehicle...My accident was on a Sunday afternoon...Coincidentally, the week before, I had been studying for my learners test, and planned on taking the test the following Monday.

Common PTSD effects include extreme fear, depression, and anxiety.

Symptoms of PTSD
PTSD symptoms are numerous and can sometimes be confused with other mental ailments. It is important not to hide your symptoms or deny them in any way, as this can interfere with diagnosis. There are three categories of symptoms associated with the disorder: intrusion, avoidance, and hyperarousal symptoms.

Intrusion: Intrusion symptoms arrive suddenly and occur when memories of the past event invade your current life. The most common intrusion symptom is the flashback. Flashbacks are vivid memories that can be triggered by sights, smells, or sounds, and cause you to relive the traumatic experience over and over again. These flashbacks can seem very real and are often detailed and filled with emotion. Another intrusion symptom is the nightmare, which can occur unexpectedly, causing extreme anxiety and fear.

Avoidance: Avoidance symptoms describe a sufferer's unconscious attempts to prevent remembering anything to do with the traumatic event. These signs of post-traumatic stress disorder often interfere with family relationships, marriages, and careers. You may avoid being with family and friends in order to hide your illness. You may experience an overall feeling of numbness. You may alternate between feelings of intense emotion and simply no emotion at all. Consciously and unconsciously you will avoid reminders of the traumatic events in order to escape flashbacks. Depression is often an avoidance symptom.

Hyperarousal: Hyperarousal symptoms are the result of stimulated nerves and hormones. You may experience severe insomnia, trouble remembering the entire traumatic event, and difficulty concentrating. You may experience irritability or explosions of emotion for no apparent reason and more frequent startling responses.

Physical symptoms are often part of the PTSD syndrome, as well. Headaches, stomach problems, dizziness, and chest pain are all commonly experienced by sufferers of the disorder. You may also experience nausea, diarrhea, skin problems, rapid heart beat, and high blood pressure.


Well, I'm just trying to educate people a little bit :) And that's all I have for now. I'm about to pass out from pain...And if you read my previous blog post...You understand that I am in quite the predicament.

Creepy

Alright, so my dad got a job yesterday, and Mr. M was at work...I was in a lot of pain and exhausted, so I laid down for a nap...I had the most terrifying experience of my life when I 'woke up' ...I could not move, or open my eyes...I had the strangest feeling that someone was in the house with me, even though I was very aware I was alone. I even kept hearing someone snoring...I kept drifting in and out because I knew I was still tired, but every time I tried to fall back asleep I was too scared. I just barely could open my eyes and I kept on seeing things moving...Now I have two cats, but in this state, I just couldn't think straight...It was awful...I woke up at three...Its now 4:30 and I STILL feel freaked out...Anyways, I looked it up and I think it's called 'Sleep paralysis' Its happened to me once before, but I was driving back from Edmonton with Mr. M, so I don't know...It wasn't as bad? I just felt like my body and mind were fighting...Like, my brain wanted me to wake up, but my body and muscles wouldn't let me...

Here's a little bit about it..

Sleep paralysis occurs either when falling asleep, or when awakening. When it occurs upon falling asleep, the person remains aware while the body shuts down for REM sleep, and it is called hypnagogic or predormital sleep paralysis. When it occurs upon awakening, the person becomes aware before the REM cycle is complete, and it is called hypnopompic or postdormital. The paralysis can last from several seconds to several minutes "by which the individual may experience panic symptoms"

In addition, the paralysis may be accompanied by terrifying hallucinations (hypnopompic or hypnagogic) and an acute sense of danger.[9] Sleep paralysis is particularly frightening to the individual because of the vividness of such hallucinations.[8] The hallucinatory element to sleep paralysis makes it even more likely that someone will interpret the experience as a dream, since completely fanciful or dream-like objects may appear in the room alongside one's normal vision.

Some people with disrupted sleep schedules or circadian rhythm disturbances experience sleep paralysis

A study found that 35% of subjects with isolated sleep paralysis also reported a history of wake panic attacks unrelated to the experience of paralysis

Sixteen percent of these persons with isolated sleep paralysis met the criteria for panic disorder

So, a lot of those things are true...Right after my car accident I used to wake up from panic attacks a lot...I also have PTSD...It also said that one of the common reasons is just a ton of stress...Which I have had...So, I see my doctor on Thursday, I guess I will speak with her about it then...

As far as my body goes things have been pretty up and down...I think I'm heading down again...I was in so much pain this morning I was having trouble breathing. Not good...I was doing quite well after my two facet joint injections, but yet again...after only a few weeks my pain is just coming back. I think that we'll probably go through with the MRI, I am quite sad though because he has informed me that if these injections didn't work that I needed a new doctor...and when I laughed, assuming that he was just being hard on himself, he told me that he was very serious and that we would have to get me looked at elsewhere. *sigh* I guess we'll just have to see what the MRI says...

I also have a dilemma...I have no painkillers and my doctor that gives me my prescription isn't in until the 24th. Fml. I have TWO left. That will most likely not even get me through today...Crap on a cracker...I'm so tired...I only got to nap for like a half hour before that awful incident...Maybe I'll try again...Or not..Because I am legitimately terrified by that experience.

Facet Joint Injection #1

Okay, I started writing this one on the 23rd. The actual day of my injection, but in all honesty, I was in too much pain and felt so awful. Which is wonderful because I have another one this Wednesday coming up. *sigh* BUT I should be happy, my leg is actually feeling a bit better. I've even been out a few times without my cane.

Okay, so its been a LONG time since I updated you guys. Things are just bad. I haven't wanted to do anything or talk to anyone much. I've got some things going on right now that totally suck. Which is stressful, which makes my pain worse...Its a viscous cycle.

Okay, so first off. I went to physio yesterday. I will start this by saying, I ALWAYS see the same physio therapist. I LOVE him. I've been seeing him for over a year. So, needless to say, its easy, he knows all about me and my issues. He wasn't in the other day and I needed in. I've started to do a bunch of strengthening exercises for my leg and my core and whatnot. Okay, so we've talked and gotten them all to my 'level', so that it doesn't kill me and just make things worse, but I'm still getting a good workout. ANYWAYS, so I see this other lady. And she is a nice lady, I saw her a bit at the beginning of my treatment, but I just don't think she's the right fit for me. So I worked out with her and she pushed me SO hard and gave me SUCH shit about not doing enough and not doing them 'all the way' ...So today, I am in SO MUCH PAIN. I can't walk up or down my stairs. Which I have had to do, I had two doctors appointments today...I'll tell you about them.

My first doctors appointment this morning pretty much sucked. I love where I am, and the doctors they have there. However, this particular morning I was tired, in pain, and antsy. And I ended up waiting like a half hour. Which I hate. I have been to well over 25 doctors in the course of my treatment and not ONE of them is ever on time. Which is fine if you get sick once in a while and only have to see them once every few months. But I see doctors, and physio therapists and all kinds of people on a daily basis. And when you are in pain like I am and sitting and standing and walking hurts, it SUCKS to have to wait that long. SO! Dr. V comes in and looks at my cane (I've had it for almost 3 months, and last time I saw him I didn't have it, I left it in the car and the time before that I didn't have it at all) and says 'What the hell is this?!' so I tell him about it, how my legs been getting worse and worse, walking is getting harder and the injections are not working. We talk a bit. He pokes around, finds a place that makes me close to tears when he touches it on my back. He shows me a poster. Tells me that he thinks that's the problem, we are going to try ANOTHER injection. (I've already had three)He says they do two needles in two spots. He is worried because I have already had three injections that I didn't respond to. He tells me that he's sorry but if this doesn't work he has NO idea what is wrong with me. He's going to order an MRI of my back. I tear up a bit. Try not to cry. But at this point, I just don't know what to do. I'm thinking I will be stuck with this stupid cane forever. He tells me; 'You are either going to come back in here from this shot and hit me with your cane and tell me its not working, or you will walk in and say 'look no cane!'' Well, I guess 50/50 is alright. He tells me that because I don't have a drug plan and cannot work so I can't afford the $100.00 medication that they want me to have that I need to be taking at the very MINIMUM 800mg of Advil a day on TOP of my codeine. Which I take 3-4 times a day. So the minimum amount of pills I will be taking a day is 12. I've pretty much accepted that I am going to die of liver failure at a young age :) I leave there and come home exhausted. I sleep through my next doctors appointment...(Shit. That reminds me, I should probably call them) I feel terrible but they are VERY nice there. Very understanding and helpful. So I will have to re-book. Then, I am treating at the CPC and its SO far and hard to get to and such a long walk and they want me to go to a 'goals' group where I go and share with a group of strangers my hopes and dreams and what I want to get out of treating there. Awesome. Also, when I went to the lectures and my orientation there I am ALWAYS the youngest person there. Apparently people under the age of 75 do not have chronic pain. It makes me feel like shit. You know what else makes me feel like shit. That lately people seem to feel the need to inform me that 'Its not fair that I'm so young and in so much pain' ....REALLY?! Thanks. I don't know why that makes me so mad...Probably because its been almost three years since my accident and I am getting SICK of people pointing out the obvious.

I don't really know where my head is at right now...I just keep thinking that I can't believe it's been almost THREE years since all of this...In May, three years of my life...Almost three years since I've ran anywhere, since I've played a sport, since I've worked, since I've been...myself...Okay, that's a lie..I know where my head is at...It's in a bad place...A bad, bad place...I'm trying very hard not to let it drag me down and be thankful for what I have and all that. Its just...Hard..

Tsk Tsk Tsk

So, I was extremely upset after my doctors appointment yesterday. Heres why; I haven't been to see that doctor for SEVEN MONTHS and seven months ago they were nice to me there. She then asked about my medication. When I told her my pain levels were bad and I was taking 6-8 pills a day she then scolded me about how bad it was for me. It's awful for my liver...Blah blah blah. Yes. I KNOW this! But instead of giving me crap how about HELPING me and my pain. So, she does try...She offers me ridiculously expensive medication, knowing that I have no health coverage...But thats not all. She also offers me medication that you only take at night...Riiiight because as we all know I'm only in pain at night! (Sarcasm) Oh! and then she kept trying to shove anti depressants down my throat. Really? I'm not depressed. Yes. I am sad. A lot. But you try living your damn life in pain EVERY. SINGLE. DAY. You try living your life never having a day to relax because you have to see a billion doctors. You try living your life never being able to keep up with people or do any of the things that you want to do. And we will see how your mood is :) Sooo, that was yesterday. I went home crying.

Today, I had my upper SI joint injected again, god that is so unbelievably painful. And long! Its not just one quick thing. Its like 5 minutes of needles in your body. OUCH. The nurses were really nice though. Same with the doctor. I have to go again next Thursday to have my greater trochanteric bursa injected. Hopefully that all goes well. Anyways, I'm going to work on fundraiser stuff. Later.

So, so sick...

I've been taking my meds since about the beginning of December. The stomach aches are getting worse and worse...to the point that I can't move...and I'm having almost every side effect of the drug.

Common effects other than analgesia associated with the use of codeine include euphoria, itching, nausea, vomiting, drowsiness, dry mouth, miosis, orthostatic hypotension, urinary retention, depression and constipation

The itching is one of the worst...same with dry mouth...Its really bad. But its either really bad side effects...Or really bad pain...The pain is worse.

This morning I woke up petrified because I couldn't move my leg...I could feel it..but...Ugh, I really don't know how to explain it..I know that it scared me insanely. I was trying to clench it...put pressure on it...wiggle my toes...It was all just...hard...

I should probably really mention that to my doctor...but I figure maybe I just slept on it funny...Or slept on it at all. On account of...well. Its a bad leg. I don't really have anything positive to say still...Its been a really hard month..and isn't really looking up. Maybe AFTER my shots are done it will be better...but until then..I really don't know. I'm feeling really down and like I don't have anyone here for me...Well, I have Mr. M...But I would love to give the poor guy a break. He has been so wonderful in taking care of me...I would really just like to spend one day with him where we can just laugh and have fun...And I'm not hopped up on drugs...Just...a normal night...A date...Dinner and a movie...That's all...

In A Bad, Bad Place...

I had physio last night. It was awful. I mean, its usually awful but this time it was extra awful. My IMS is usually really bad muscular pain, but this time it hurt my skin really bad too..I have never felt more like a pin cushion in my life...Also, as much as I tried to avoid my next cortisone injection in my joint...I spoke with my doctor today and have now ended up with TWO injections. I cried. I also got new painkillers today...They make me want to throw up, and make me sweaty..and nervous, and dizzy...and just in general bad (though they do knock me out, therefore I sleep, therefore I feel no pain..Which I guess is great...If I could spend my whole life sleeping)...I'm still tired all the time...And I know its not an iron deficiency because I donate blood on a regular basis. So I am going to see my doctor in Febuary...She doesn't have any openings until then, so I might mention it to her then. They booked me in with a different doctor...but I'm skeptical. Which I think is fair considering how many doctors I have dealt with in my life. I honestly don't really have any good news...As the title indicates I am in a bad, bad place...Bleh. I think I am going to go and sleep some more...I'm trying to study for my learners...which sets off my PTSD...Which is exhausting..So..That's about it...

Bye

RIP Toki Littlefoot. We love you so much.

Our pet tortoise passed away last night :( That was so hard. I kept poor Mr. M up for hours last night crying. I'm going to cry now just writing about it. I am so sad. It has been such a hard couple of months. I feel like death is devouring my life right now. There's so much of it around me. I am just so sad...I don't really want to blog right now...I'm going to go to bed and cry all day :)

Bye

Ugh..

So, I've been a crappy blogger. Have had to deal with some family things. Which I won't be sharing. This blog is about me, and all my problems :P Anyways, the pain has been bad. REALLY bad. Do you have any idea how hard it is to sleep when you can't lay on either side? I have never ever been able to sleep on my stomach or back. So I sleep on my sides. However, that has been majorly difficult as of late because of two things. o1) My God damn leg. It's been pretty bad since being poked at and aggravated at my IME. and o2) Every time I lay on one of my sides, my freaking arms/shoulders go numb. I have been so frustrated with it that I have pretty much been crying myself to sleep at night. I have to toss and turn more than I regularly do and I am NEVER comfortable. You know, I don't even remember what it feels like to just sit, or lay down and not feel pain. And to be comfortable. Wow, how sad is that? So, I'm not sleeping well, which means I am tired ALL the time. I never want to get out of bed. It just hurts so much...And I really just don't have the energy. I just feel bad all the time. I've been crying daily...I can't deal with this right now. I also haven't been out of my house to do anything fun in a long time. But as easy as that seems, its not. I get up, and do as much as I can at home and then I'm pretty much toast. Okay...Well, I just wanted to update because I haven't done any posts lately. I feel like crap. I'm going to lay down I guess.

Longest Week Ever?

So, I was supposed to go to an appointment this morning at 11am. However, being that I was up until 6:30am feeling like crap, that did not happen. But tomorrow, I have a very important doctors appointment, a job interview AND am going to Miss. B's audition (Which I can't sit in on SADLY! but is about the only part of this day that I am looking forward to) You see, I am seeing a NEW doctor tomorrow. Which means, all the poking and prodding and 'does this hurt' ...'YES!'...'Oh, well how about this?' the doctor says as he pokes you harder in the same spot..and stories I've told a bazillion times...Is going to have to be re-lived when I go tomorrow. Bummer! SO NOT looking forward to that. *sigh* Then off to another doctors appointment on Thursday, and I haven't even booked physio, chiro, massage, or my other doctor yet this week. Then Friday I don't know what it is yet, but I know I have something happening. And then Saturday I've got a party, which is work for me. I know, great, right? (Again with the sarcasm thing...I'm actually being serious) Anyways, that's all I can vent right now. My back is killing me...Must go eat toast so that I can take pain killers...(Right, need a re-fill...Maybe I'll do that on Friday. Oh, and while I am reminding myself of things, I also need to phone and book my cortisone injection...Bleh)

The Terry's Chocolate Orange Incedent.

Okay, so I am currently sitting at a very uncomfortable computer desk at the moment..So this won't be a long post as I am sick as well and am having trouble taking my medication because that is hard on my stomach on a good day. I just wanted to say that I probably have the sweetest man in existence. I will tell you why. Mr. M and I like to do our shopping late at night. As our grocery store is open 24 hours and I don't like the rush of peoples I tend to walk slower now that I have my cane and whatnot. Also, to preface this there is one thing you should know about me. I LOVE, LOVE, LOVE Terry's chocolate oranges more than any other Christmas thing...Now then, back to the story. As we are taking the items out of the cart to put them on the...grocery...belt...thing (I'm usually pretty eloquent...However, I'm not at this particular moment..What the hell is that thing called?!) and in the far corner of the cart I notice a Terrys Chocolate orange! This is my thought process 'Hey look! A Terry's Chocolate Orange!' ... 'I don't think that was in there before...' ... 'I like Terry's Chocolate Oranges' ... *Look at Mr. M to see him grinning* 'BABY!' :D :D :D And I smiled from ear to ear, and just like that, he had the happiest girlfriend alive. Then add to that the fact that he took amazing care of me ALL day today...Sweetest. Man. ALIVE! :) Anywho. Most of my posts have been pretty depressing...So I will leave this one as it is. Because I think it's decently happy. And I will save my depressingness for later :P

Lots of love,
Miss. W
xoxox

New Years Morning

I find it really depressing that I barely finished a glass of wine last night and woke up this morning with a killer headache. How unfair? Didn't even get to get stupid drunk and I'm still paying for it. Greeeeat.

I would also like to note that I am infuriated with hotmail at the moment. I haven't been able to check my email for three days now (My email is my work). I get a message that says 'We're doing maintenance...blah blah blah...If you've been waiting more than an hour let us know by clicking here...Then they provide a link that I have to search all over the fucking place to get to a forum where I can post my issue...Then they tell me all these things that *I* can do to try and make it work. I'm sorry, *I* did not cause the problem. You did. They tell me to 'optimize my browser' so as to make sure that my browser is not the problem. No, I just told you. *I* did not cause this issue. You! Did! So here was my post;

I haven't been able to get onto my email for three days now. I am very frustrated and do not think that I, or anyone else should be solving an issue that you guys caused. My browser is not contributing to the issue as my boyfriend can sign into his email just fine. Please fix my account.

Fucken assholes. I have had hotmail for many years now, NEVER had a problem with them until now. And Im probably having issues with them because I just recently told my father about how great they are and that I have never ever had any problems with them. God dammit.

My leg is bad today. I went to take my painkillers this morning and realized that I am running low. Which I think is bad because I only got them on December 16th. So, now my doctor is probably going to think I am an addicted drug seeker or whatever...Yeah, forget the excruciating pain that I go through on a regular basis...THAT has nothing to do with it. Im taking about 6 pills a day, yes. But I am taking them properly. I take two every four to six hours. Honestly one of my biggest issues since my car accident has been asking for pain killers. I HATE doing it. I feel like people always see the worst in everyone else, so they assume I am going to take these drugs, melt them, shoot them up and then sell them on the street to cracked out prostitutes. Now, of course I know that is not whats happening to them. The real, and much more boring story is that; I get up in the morning...In a ton of pain...I take two pills...Two hours later they wear off, I wait the other two hours until I can take them again, and then I do. Rinse, repeat...All day...Every day. I know, not nearly as glamorous as my other story right? Now, I am not going to sit here and defend myself...You know....The whole, Im not addicted, I know Im not...I can stop taking them whenever I want! ...Cause well, lets face it...That just makes you sound like an addict. I dont care what people think. I know what I know. And thats all you need to know! Hah. I think that is one of my greatest traits...My sense of humor...its one of the only things that keeps me going. I just re-read that only to rrealize that it was much more humerous in my head. Ah well. I'm still funny dammit!

Anywho, Im going to go eat my wonderful breakfast of...Toast...Mmmmm.
Happy New Year
xoxox